I wasn’t supposed to write another post today. With what happens today in social media I thought it was the right time to write about sexual assault and harassment. Me too social media sensation is the perfect way to show everyone that it happens often than what we think. It’s also something that is really different for everyone.
If you know me and don’t want to know what I’m gonna say, it’s still time to stop reading this post. Sincerely, I hope that you don’t. It might not be easy to read but it wasn’t easy to live. I think it’s really important to talk about those things and no matter how, why and what happened to you. Even if it’s hard, you must do it. It’s really important to say it out loud. People might finally realize how often it happens.
Yes, I’ve been raped at 17 years old. It was also my first time… it was a roommate. After High School, I went to Nova Scotia to improve my English (and yes meet Sidney Crosby, but that’s another story). Instead of it, I lost my virginity…
At first, I couldn’t believe it… It didn’t happen like in the movies. Nobody kept me in a basement of a house, beat me almost to death or anything like that. It was simply a guy that I lived with. At first, he was nice. We went to the beach, had a really good time and then went back home. At this moment, he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him in his room. I said yes, why not? We start kissing but not long after he made a move. I told him that I didn’t want to do anything else than kissing. He was find with it, but… He tried again… I said the same thing plus I am not ready to have sex or anything else. He tried again but with more conviction… And there it is, I got scare… I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t move or talk. It’s not that I changed my mind but simply that I didn’t want it and I wasn’t ready. After a while, my mind came back and I pushed him away. I left the house but I didn’t even know where to go or even what to do.
How could this happen to me?
I wasn’t looking for this… Was I?
I felt so much guilt, I thought that it was my fault. That I deserved what happened. Maybe I shouldn’t have said yes to watch a movie with him or for the kissing. I was looking for that to happen…
You may think that it’s stupid to say that, but at first it’s what I really thought. I walk for about thirty minutes before I realized that I needed to talk to someone. I was in another city, with not many friends and no one to speak in French with. I’ve walked around don’t know where I should go and at the same time I received text from him that told me that he was sorry… I really thought that he was… I wasn’t planning on throwing away his life by telling the police. But I should have, later I’ve learned that he was convicted for a crime before this event, but also after… I don’t know for what reason but it doesn’t matter. I should have said something, but I was too scared. I was scared that he meant that he was sorry and that I was overreacting. Maybe I hadn’t been raped, it was only a misunderstood. Sadly, it wasn’t… and he knew it.
Later, I found a woman in the street that helped me. She found a friend that spoke a little bit of French, enough to understand what had happened to me. She went with me to the hospital, but she had to leave because she also needed to be with her child. She made sure that I was in good hand at the hospital. I was really lucky, I had great nurses that took care of me, but they didn’t really know how to deal with what happened to me. I didn’t want to complain to the police so there was not much else do either. I had been tested for almost everything in case but then I had to go home, where he was… I had nowhere else to go, and all of my stuff was there. I was alone and I had to go back out there. I’ve waited until 3am to make that everybody would be asleep, so I wouldn’t need to talk to anyone. I couldn’t leave this place, I wasn’t able to leave. I was too scared that my other roommates would ask me why, or worst that I would see him again. I’ve waited four days in my room without going out for eating or else. I wasn’t even able to sleep in case that he would come in my room. I was so scared to leave my bedroom, it was the only “safe” place of the house.
Four days later, at 4am I left this house to go back home. I had to drive 12 hours without any sleep for a long time.
But at home…. What could I do? I knew that I had to tell someone, my parents, my friends?… My parents always make sure that I shouldn’t be scared of talking about any taboo subject. While they are open mind with sexuality, I knew that I should tell them. How would they react? It was hard to imagine telling them this kind of thing, mostly because I felt like that it was my fault and not a real raped…
Back home, I thought that I would simply forget everything, and it would be like always. I was so wrong. After I was raped, I changed a lot. A lot of things happened to me. I took a lot of drugs and I’ve done a lot of stupid things to try to forget. I just wanted to be like anyone else. Plus, I first thought that I didn’t need any help because it wasn’t really a raped… After a year, I finally decided to get help and meeting for the first time a psychologist. It’s at this moment I realized that it was true… I have been raped, for real. She explained to me that majority of victims knows their rapist… It’s also rare that it happens like in the movies. I was normal… I meant… It was a normal way to happen, but remember not the only one…
What I want to share with my experience it’s that it can happen to anybody in any kind of way. When you don’t want it to happen, you shouldn’t have to do it. It’s not only sexual intercourse, but even any other forms of sexual penetration.
Unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body parts, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
It doesn’t matter how it happened, why or what… It happened. It doesn’t matter how you deal with it… You do. You can’t compare yourself to any other rape. It doesn’t mean that because your story is worst or less worse than mine that it’s not/ wasn’t awful for you. Nobody react the same way, and it’s normal. I might be way better now, but sometimes it’s still really hard to deal with it. I will not say that it’s completely settled. Even if I’m doing it today, I don’t like talking much about it, simply because it brings back bad memories. Sometimes, I might refer to it for some reason but I never talked about like I did for this post. But you know, I’m trying to talk about this a little more. I think it’s so important to talk about this sexual taboo. First of all, it can explain so many things about me. Plus, we have to stop being shy about it. It wasn’t our fault, we didn’t plan it. You were not looking for it to happen, no matter how you were dressed, or drunk, etc.
We have to stop sexual taboo. We need to speak out loud to make it stop. Also, for everybody that can’t talk about it for multiple reasons.
That you’re a girl, a boy, a child, an adult, well no matter who you are and how it happens. It matters.
Today, with the #metoo campaign I realize how much people around me suffer from sexual harassment or assault. It’s abnormal, we need to do something. Make sure that it won’t happen to my child, my sisters, my mom, my friends, etc. Please make it stop. Talk to the people around you, how much every single act is important. Stop talking shit to your friends, stop letting people talk to you like this.
I sincerely hope that it’ll make you think about it.
If it happened to you and you want to talk to me about it feel free to write to me your story. And if you don’t know where to turn yourself, also write to me, I’ll help you. There’s for sure a place you can go to talk safely about it.